Vivian Pierce

Insights from David Brooks book “How to Know a Person”

Understanding Others Deeply
David Brooks, in his book “How to Know a Person,” emphasizes the importance of truly seeing and understanding others beyond the surface. He criticizes social media for fostering judgment rather than understanding, pointing out that it rarely provides space to truly know someone. To genuinely understand another, according to Brooks, involves making them feel valued, heard, and deeply seen.

Brooks eloquently states that seeing others as creations made in the image of God enhances their inherent value and dignity. This perspective is essential for treating everyone with the respect and love they deserve, as it aligns with how Jesus viewed each person.

He adds that reality comes in two layers: the objective events that occur, and the subjective interpretations and meanings we attach to them. Echoing Aldous Huxley, he suggests that experiences are shaped by our responses to them, and George Bernard Shaw’s idea that life is about creating oneself from these experiences.

Gaining Wisdom and Mastering Conversational Skills
Wisdom transcends mere possession of information; it involves a compassionate understanding of others. Brooks describes two types of people: “Diminishers,” those who reduce others to mere objects, and “Illuminators,” those who engage with others with curiosity and empathy. Illuminators, he argues, are those who not only strive to understand but also to be part of another’s journey in a supportive and humble way.

Brooks advises that deep, meaningful conversations that enhance understanding are rooted in the SLANT method—Sit up, Lean forward, Ask questions, Nod your head, and Track the speaker. This approach helps foster a reciprocal and enlightening dialogue. Mastering listening with our eyes and listening to learn rather than to respond are key parts of this process.

He also provides a set of thought-provoking questions that can help deepen conversations and explore personal and philosophical depths.

The following are good conversation starter questions:
1) What do you want to offer the world (goals)?
2) What are you doing when you feel most alive (skills)?
3) How exactly do you fill your days (schedule)?

When the conversation is flowing and you feel comfortable, start asking big thought provoking questions:
1) What crossroads are you at?
2) What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
3) If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?
4) If we meet a year from now, what will we be celebrating?
5) If the next 5 years is a chapter in your life, what is that chapter about?
6) Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in?
7) What have you said yes to that you no longer really believe in?
8) Why was it you who started that business?

Guiding Moral Formation in Children
In terms of moral education for children, Brooks highlights three key principles: teaching restraint over selfish impulses and inclining their heart to care more about others, helping them find purpose for a directed and meaningful life, and instilling social and emotional skills that enable kindness and consideration. Instead of focusing on stopping undesirable behaviors, he recommends encouraging the behaviors we desire to see in them.

These insights from David Brooks provide a comprehensive framework for building strong, wise, and meaningful relationships, rooted in deep understanding and moral integrity.